The Shoulds in our Society
Many of us find ourselves trying to fit ourselves into a box based on the norms of a society that is consistently changing its norms. In fact, it is the outliers who encourage the society to change its norms, and yet, being an outlier is not easy. It comes at the cost of a perceived non-compliance with the society which can lead to social pressure which can cause stress, anxiety or even depression.
There are two types of shoulds in our society, the ones which are fundamental to mutual cooperation of the society e.g. values like truthfulness, honesty, integrity, peace, inclusivity etc. A mindful person will mostly display these values as the opposites of these values require a strong desire to acquire or achieve something by hook or by crook. A mindful person will not behave in that way, because they live in the present moment, are content with what they have, will perform actions in the present moment mindfully and accept the results of those actions - whether pleasant or unpleasant in the same way.
The second type of shoulds are the ones that are seen as “best practices” for living life by most. This implicitly puts pressure on everyone to comply with those best practices like marrying, having kids, progressing in career, trying to reach the top etc. These shoulds are based on assumptions about what is important in life, even though there isn’t a universal definition of what is important in life or even the meaning of life. From research and books on psychology, it can be inferred that there are some things that facilitate our lives better e.g. relationships, joy, physical, mental and financial wellbeing. Having said that, we are not all the same. I heard this dialogue in a movie which I thought was quite apt "The most important thing in life is life itself". These shoulds also set an expectation in our minds and in the minds of pepole around us, which means that non-compliance with these shoulds (even if they don’t matter to you or don’t resonate with you) can lead to a guilt of not meeting the expectations. Expectations cause adverse impact one's mental wellbeing causing stress and anxiety, which can also lead to depression. The most current example is the expectation that teenagers have from social media. Harvard explore this topic in great detail in this article. This impact on one's mental wellbeing can have an impact on one's physical and financial wellbeing as well, which means that it can shake the fundamental pillars of one’s life.
If the idea that the most important thing in life is life itself resonates with you, then do pause and think about the shoulds that are governing your life. Most of these shoulds keep changing over time, like gay marriages were not allowed until recently. A lot of people find that the institution of marriage is not for them, and in spite of having one of the highest rate of divorces, people in Denmark seem to be amongst the happiest. This second category of shoulds plays a huge role in dissatisfaction in the society and also affects our relationships with our close ones on whom we try to impose these shoulds. Yuval Noah Harari makes a very good point in his book Sapiens that anything that is physically possible cannot be unnatural because it is supported by the laws of nature, which make it possible, so this idea of some ways of life being natural and others being unnatural is flawed.
The alternative is to just be and let others be. Accept yourself as one of the many probabilities of what a human can be and accept that you just are, you are neither good nor bad. If people around you judge you for who you are, then it is their bias, unmindful behaviour and lack of inclusiveness. If we let others influence our decisions and way of life, then we are likely to set expectations in our minds about how we should live our life and can also set the same expectation in their minds.
If there is one should that one can live by, it should be to not live life by other people’s shoulds and give others the right to influence one's own mental wellbeing.
Yuval Noah Harari's book Sapiens can help you understand how we've arrived at these shoulds as a society and how it's all made up. Mindfulness can help you develop an understanding of the bias in the society and help you train your mind to be strong and not be affected or influenced by others.
I am not challenging this way of life or suggesting it is good or bad. It just is, because any judgement would create bias and that will not be a mindful activity. What I am suggesting here is to think about the impact it has on our brain and carefully make choices with the understanding that a lot of things we do in life may just be external influence to our senses and can impact our mental wellbeing. Similarly, we may be putting undue pressure on our family and friends and impacting their mental wellbeing without being mindful of this impact.
If we all accept each other as we are, then it is likely to improve the overall state of mental wellbeing in the society, because society is formed by individuals and individuals are the society, just like every drop in the ocean is the ocean.